Mothers Returning To Work Has Serious Implications For Children’s Wellbeing, Says Skeena Rathor
The Kinaesthetic Intelligence Teacher, writer and campaigner speaks to Richard House about ‘accelerationism’ and screen time
New research claims that working mothers are “good” for “advancing” children’s development, with a different survey showing preschoolers having on average over four hours daily screen time.
I spoke with a mother who takes a very different approach. Families can choose not to be hapless victims of the relentless march of ‘too much too soon’ and of modern technological culture.
Richard House: Skeena, you have strong views about this new research on working mothers. Could you describe your initial response to it?
Skeena Rathor: My first reaction was feeling bewildered and dismayed. My eldest child of three is 16, and I decided to be a full-time mum after she was born. I’m sure that this benefited her development enormously. I wonder how it can be beneficial for a child to be without the person they feel most safe with. From holding my children I know, as all mothers surely do, that they felt most safe and most loved when with me, and I know this meant their learning brain and learning heart were most engaged and most well nourished when with me.
You say being a full-time mum to your first daughter benefited her development “enormously”. Can you say more about what you chose, and didn’t choose, to do – and how her development benefited, compared with quickly going back to work and placing her in childcare?
I saw my role as being her chief translator of the world. By being with my children I could create a relationship of deep knowing and hopefully of trust – this takes actual ‘man hours’ or, more aptly, ‘mothering hours’.
I don’t believe the urban myth that quality time at weekends makes all the difference. Of course I got plenty of elements ‘wrong’, and I certainly struggled; but it’s also about a consistency of presence. Absence is a very deep pain for the child.
We talk so much about resilience in the child, and self-control as indicators of strength and success. But I wonder how well these dispositions can be developed where there’s an inconsistent primary care-giver in their most vulnerable of early days?
I don’t judge women who choose to work, as each story is a complex state of affairs, but I do wonder about the effect or perceived benefits for young children who’ve not yet developed their trust of the world.
Very revealing, Skeena. I know you’re in contact with many mothers, socially and professionally. Are women aware of children’s early attachment needs – or is this being compromised in a culture of ‘women must have identical career opportunities to men’? And how have you managed screen time in your family?
Alas, the overwhelming pressures distract mothers from their natural instincts. ‘Attachment parenting’ needs simplifying – so we talk about mothering instincts to protect, nurture, adore, be close to (etc) our children.
We need to go beyond cognitive models that we mistakenly believe will ‘educate’ mothers appropriately, or we’ll simply educate them out of this instinctive closeness. Such models derive from limited modern thinking that doesn’t reach beyond the head. We have millions of neurons, intelligent thinking cells in our heart and stomach; let’s encourage mothers to use these sources of intelligence.
If we had space I’d also speak of how the prevailing ideology drives mothers back into the workforce when at their most vulnerable, to serve narrow economic ideologies, thereby rendering another generation prone to attachment disorders and all the ill-health this breeds.
We allow one hour’s screen time on Saturday for our six-year-old, and Sunday is screen-free. Our 13-year-old is allowed two hours of screen time on Saturday, and our 16-year-old is now self-governing – and astonishingly chooses not to have a smartphone.
Some might see this as hypersensitive and controlling but in my experience, screen time hyper-activates our children’s senses and is an unrewarding distraction. Thus far I’ve only seen benefits to their wellbeing of strictly limited screen time.
Skeena Rathor is a mother of three young girls, a Kinaesthetic Intelligence Teacher, writer and campaigner.
Richard House is an early years campaigner.
