Staff Management – What To Do When Someone Gets Defensive And Hostile
These seven steps can help you break the stalemate and resolve the situation
We all get challenging staff from time to time, don’t we? They can cause real disruption if the situation is not handled quickly and effectively, but what do you do about the reaction that often comes when you tackle an issue with a member of staff?
You know the situation – you have a plan about how you are going to deal with the difficult situation; you have an outline of what you are going to say, and have thought about how to respond when they come back with ‘xyz’. Everything is going to plan… and then they go and say something you had not considered – at all.
One reaction you may encounter is when the person becomes defensive and genuinely believes you are attacking them. I suppose it’s a human instinct to defend oneself and ‘fight back’ but it’s not too helpful in the workplace.
I’m sure you’ve encountered it – the staff member interrupts you, makes counter-attacks or arguments; their voice gets louder and louder, their body language becomes hostile and they start to blame others.
Trying to get your point across when they are in defensive mode is really difficult. So what can you do (and what should you avoid doing)?
1. Don’t debate the issue
If you start down this route, you will also start to sound defensive and battle lines will effectively be drawn; this will just fuel the disagreement further. If you try to out debate them, tempers may well flare and you’ll hit stalemate. A solution is highly unlikely.
2. Don’t avoid the issue
You have a genuine concern to raise so don’t back off as soon as your member of staff starts to get defensive. If they see they have won this will just perpetuate this style of behaviour and cause even more disruption in the workplace. Every time there is a need to challenge, this individual will revert to this style as they know it works.
3. Demonstrate you understand their position
Steven Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People observes that you don’t have to agree with them, you just have to understand them. This is about understanding their point of view. Paraphrasing what they have said back to them shows you are actively listening and understand what they’re saying.
4. Respond to clarify, not to counter-attack
At this point in the conversation, clarify the meaning of what the member of staff has said. You are not responding to the points, just reflecting back what you understand has been said, so you are totally clear on the meaning from their point of view.
5. Clarify your position
Now you’ve listened and are clear on their position and what they’ve said/meant, you can describe your position, without making it appear judgemental or blaming. Be careful to stick to the facts that are known rather than opinions, which are subjective (opinions can be disputed whereas of course, facts are facts).
6. Be positive in your intentions
Often defensive behaviour stems from a lack of personal responsibility or some level of insecurity. If you share what your expectations are in a positive manner, you allow the member of staff to see how being positive may bring about a desired outcome.
7. Work on an agreed solution together
Now I understand that some conversation aren’t designed to end with a joint outcome, but if you have defused the situation and need to set an action plan, discuss conduct (and any training needs) it’s likely you can get an agreed outcome that you are happy with and the member of staff supports.
Focus the conversation on what you (in plural) can do rather than what you can’t do, on what is right not wrong, what will make the situation more positive for the workplace, etc. Get agreement to your outcome so that you have something to refer back to if you need it, and keep some notes about the conversation.
Vicky Stanton is director of HR 4 Your Nursery. She has also set up HR Hub – a one-stop shop for all your people resources (including contracts, letters, policies) online. To be kept up to date, visit vickystanton.sendmedetails.com/teach-early-years.
