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No Jugglers, No Singing and Absolutely No Ukuleles – Unedited Minutes from the Drama Production Meeting

We need an idea that requires no extravagant sets. Or sets full stop. Or props. Or costumes. Think of the budget.

Tom Starkey
by Tom Starkey
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Upper school drama production meeting

Present: RL – head of drama (although you’d never believe it from the amount she doesn’t do). PB – Here as part of the action from his last appraisal where it was decided he should try to become more involved in extracurricular activities. Or anything else for that matter. AA – and a whole host of other minor players.

Apologies from: Anyone who doesn’t want to paint scenery for the next month.

Meeting held in: The drama studio, darlings.

ITEM 1 – Nothing with a fight scene

The annual upper school production is often a tumultuous affair. Last year’s Blood Brothers was a sadly literal interpretation when half way through the Grogan twins started knocking seven bells out of each other for messing up each other’s cues.

Therefore, it was suggested that it might be a good idea to gather some somewhat less potentially problematic ideas for this year’s extravaganza and perhaps prevent the casting of mini identical sociopaths in the lead role this time

Suggestions were taken as to what work of the dramatic arts might suit the cause.

  • “Something short. One act. An extended monologue even.”
  • “Nothing that needs extravagant sets. Or sets. Or any props. Or costumes. Think of the budget.”
  • “No singing. Please god no singing.”
  • Romeo and Juliet was considered but then disregarded as everyone already knows what happens at the end. “And if I wanted to sit through three hours of teenage angst I’d just do a double lesson, ta.” from PB, our resident philistine.

ITEM 2 – Everyone’s got talent…right?

The discussion moved on to alternative forms the annual production could take.

RL, our head of drama, suggested that instead of a play – with all the preparation, rehearsals, and extra bits and bobs that any other drama teacher would be gesticulating wildly over in anticipation – to save time and effort (namely hers) this year there should be a change in direction, a getting with the times, a pushing of the envelope.

Something radical should be put in place to rejuvenate the whole outmoded concept of a ‘production’. What form would this paradigm-shift in dramatic arts take?

“A talent show,” said RL. As if she’d just invented the spotlight.

The rest of the team gave voice to some reservations at this point.

“Problem is,” stated PB, “it needs to be more than seven and a half minutes long.”

“When we say ‘talent’ what exactly are we talking about?” asked AA. “I know that Dean in 9LC has a fantastic talent for taking things that aren’t his without permission. In fact, he’s quite the celebrity with the many of the local public services already but I can’t really imagine that going down well on stage when he steps up to the mic. And nicks it.”

It was decided that teachers should act as mediators as to what consisted as a ‘talent’ lest the audience had to sit through two hours of mass twerking or vape tricks.

ITEM 3 – Nailed it

It was left to the members of the team present to form the judging panel. Unfortunately, RL would not be available as she had ‘things to be doing’ so judging will primarily fall down to AA and that well known patron of the arts PB, who observed:

“Jugglers are out because they’re creepy. Anyone who sings is out because they’re annoying. Anyone who looks at me funny is out. Anyone with a ukulele is permanently excluded. And no dancing.”

And people are saying that the arts are being sidelined in schools…

AOB

No. I’ve just seen Dean from 9LC hanging around the staff carpark and I want to make sure I’ve still got something to drive home in tonight.

Meeting adjourned

With no standing ovation.

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