Every Primary Teacher You’ll Ever Meet
Which one are you, and how many do you work with?
Primary school teachers are an eclectic bunch.
Venture into any staffroom and you’re sure to bump into one of these.
1. The Technology Evangelist
With a classroom closely resembling Google HQ, this teacher’s personal mission is to drag schooling into the 21st century. What does that mean? It means iPads. LOADS of iPads.
And although this digital revolutionary can teach phonics using Minecraft, they’re left scratching their head and backing towards the door as soon as there’s a paper jam in the printing room, just like the rest of us.
If encountered: express gratitude for how they’ve helped you become a better teacher by sending up a class of kids who’ve never held a pen.
2. The Traditionalist
The Traditionalist keeps things old-school. Still suspicious of whiteboards (what on earth is wrong with chalk?), you can expect to see rows of children facing the front, lips zipped, soaking in highfalutin wisdom. They either don’t notice – or are heroically undeterred – if the kids fall asleep.
If encountered: read them a Trunchbull extract from Matilda and announce that, actually, she’s got a bloody point.
3. The Hippy
This groovy educator has declared their classroom a ‘creative cooperative’ in which everyone is on a collective ‘learning journey’. Wary of authority in any of its mendacious guises, the Hippy refuses to actually tell the children anything. Instead, they womble around the classroom, every now and then bumping into some learning. It’s more likely the pupils are doing the teaching than the adult who’s, you know, paid to do it.
If encountered: tell them that the school council seems to be exacerbating neo-capitalist ideals and reinforcing hierarchical structures. PARKLIFE!
4. The Parenter
Refers to their pupils as ‘my babies’ which, apparently, isn’t completely weird. Loves nothing better than consoling a tearful toddler while the rest of the children wonder what the maths lesson would have been about. Have the hankies ready on the final day of term; they will be inconsolable about the fact that the children are moving to the adjacent classroom.
If encountered: compliment them on their unparalleled nurturing skills, then send over all your children who still can’t tie their shoelaces.
5. The Scout Leader
Rarely found within the confines of the building, the Scout Leader manufactures reasons to get children into the great outdoors more often than you change your socks.
Whether they are ‘being scientists’ in a nearby park or ‘building resilience’ by walking across planks of wood on the school field, the children can barely remember what a PowerPoint presentation looks like.
If encountered: lament the ’elf and safety culture that plagues our nation, before signing his petition to have pigeon shooting added to the curriculum.
6. The Student Teacher
Immediately identifiable by the mixture of blind panic and unfiltered enthusiasm permanently etched on their face, they will most likely be found laminating any pieces of paper not stapled to the desk. Children, too, smell the fear and crash through well-established boundaries until the classroom resembles an eerily accurate scene from Lord of The Flies.
If encountered: say, “You’re doing an amazing job, you’re a breath of fresh air. But if you use my mug again, so help me God…”.
Jon Brunskill is the head of Year Two at Reach Academy Feltham. He tweets at @jon_brunskill and you can find him at pedfed.wordpress.com.
