Bereavement – 15 ways schools can help students experiencing grief
Ian Gilbert sets out some advice for schools on what to do following the death of a student’s parent or guardian
- by Ian Gilbert
In 2008 the mother to my three children died. Her illness had been long, stressful and chaotic but our story was not supposed to end this way.
At the time, my youngest daughter was in primary school, my eldest daughter was at secondary school and my son was at an FE college. The last time he saw his mother was on his 18th birthday. As we rebuilt our lives, we reflected on how these three different educational institutions responded to what happened – what had helped, and what they could have done better.
We drew up a 15-point list which, over time, became The Little Book of Bereavement for Schools, now updated to Independent Thinking on Loss. So few people know what to do when faced with death, but we know our own personal experiences and suggestions have helped many schools facing this most difficult of circumstances. The original list was
as follows.
In the short term
1. As soon as the death is known to the school, have a senior member of staff talk to the immediate classmates about what has happened. Stamp out any gossip and offer support for those who may be affected.
2. Send a condolence card and encourage classmates to do the same. Saying ‘I didn’t know what to do’ and doing nothing is a form of moral cowardice – and why should you be let off the hook? No one else knows what to do either.
3. When the child comes back to school, talk to them (but don’t patronise them). Ask them how they would like their teachers to act.
4. Teach other children to know what to say and how to handle things.
5. School can be the place to escape from what is going on at home. Respect that wish as much as possible.
6. Grieving is mentally and physically exhausting.
7. Be tolerant of homework and other work commitments. Evenings should and will be spent grieving and talking, not working. Agree work commitments with the child, though, and be firm but caring as you try to ensure they don’t get too far behind (thus adding feelings of failure to their grief).
8. Talk to the remaining parent if and when they visit school. Show them you know and care and are there to help. Don’t just ignore them because you don’t know what to say.
In the long term
9. Keep talking to the child and letting them know you still remember, even just in small ways.
10. Remember the anniversaries. Put them in your diary and keep them there.
11. Be aware of curriculum areas that may bring back memories of Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays and the like. Also be conscious of afterlife discussions in RE, and other topics that may touch on illnesses such as cancer, depression and so forth.
12. When another parent dies in the school, be mindful of other children who have similarly lost parents themselves, or indeed any loved ones, as it will bring many memories back.
13. Learn how to help children cope with bereavement from external agencies. We recommend Winston’s Wish as a good place to start – royalties sales of Independent Thinking on Loss go to support their work.
14. Time heals in bereavement much as it does following an amputation. It’s just the period you go through to come to terms with how things now are.
15. Thank you for taking the time to read this. You can make a terrible situation a bit less stressful for a grieving family.
In the 15 years since the worst happened, my children have defied the statistics by not dropping out of education, not being homeless or in prison, not abusing drugs or alcohol, and not suffering from acute mental health problems.
It’s been a gruelling road, but as young adults they are all doing OK. A parent’s death doesn’t mark the end of a young person’s life, but they will need care, support, understanding, a balance of firmness and tolerance and for their educational institutions to support the remaining parent.
Make sure yours is capable of this. Many grieving families will thank you, now and in the future.
Ian Gilbert is the founder of Independent Thinking Ltd, an international education speaker and trainer and an award-winning author and publisher; his book, Independent Thinking on Loss: A little book about bereavement for schools, is available now (£10.99, Independent Thinking Press)
