Nick Gibb Finally Admits Teacher Workload Is A “Severe Problem” – Wait! Who Did He Say Is To Blame?
In what reality, seriously, are academics ‘invariably’ responsible for the teacher workload problem, asks a bemused JL Dutaut
- by JL Dutaut
So now we know. Workload is indeed a “severe problem”. Nick Gibb has said so. More than that, we have also identified the cause of this affliction. Yes, it will come as no surprise to you that the party responsible for our woes is none other than academics. “Invariably.”
When I read this over my morning cuppa, tea droplets seemed temporarily to defy gravity as they sprayed from my mouth. Time slowed and I was thrown into a full-blown remake of Apollo 11, set in a school in space…
“Westminster, we have a problem.”
“Roger that, Mr Dutaut. What’s happening?”
“We seem to be running out of oxygen.”
“Have you identified a possible cause?”
“We think it might be the CO2 scrubbers, Westminster. There’s a lot of hot air in these reforms you’ve asked us to implement. The scrubbers aren’t built to cope with it.”
“Roger, Apollo Academy. Are you sure you’re implementing them correctly?”
“To the letter, Sir. Increased crew and passenger panic attacks might also be contributing.”
“Have you considered activating the Jettison Protocol?”
“Well, Sir, I think we’d rather…”
“Listen, Mr Dutaut, we’ve been questioning your competence for a while now.”
“…”
“So we’ve already planned a solution for this.”
“That’s great. But there’s something else you need to know, Westminster.”
“Go ahead, Apollo Academy.”
“We seem to have veered off course.”
“What?!”
“Well, we know our mission, Sir – excellence at the heart of our community of planets – but we entered all the PISA data you asked for into the ship’s computer, and it seems to have redirected us… to Andromeda.”
“Okay, Apollo Academy. Don’t panic. We’re taking over from here.”
“But, Sir.”
“No buts. We have the latest technology waiting on the launchpad. T minus 1 hour.”
“Sir?”
“As I said, Commander, our faith in the mission has been low for a while. We are dispatching Talent Management Express to assess the situation. Highly capable team of three.”
“Will they be bringing new CO2 scrubbers, Sir?”
“No.”
“But…”
“That’s quite enough of your nay-saying, Commander. Ofsted desk would like me to remind you that you are responsible for the wellbeing of your crew and cargo.”
“Cargo?”
“Passengers, Commander. Start thinking positively. Now.”
“Sir, I only…”
“Commander, you have two objectives: to expand the Academy franchise where it has never gone before, and to carry out assessments to learn if young people can live and grow in the cold darkness of space. You are going seriously off-script with both.”
“Roger. What is my next task, Westminster?”
“You will await the arrival of Talent Management Express in a week’s… What’s that sound?”
“Airlock alarm, Sir. Some of the crew have activated Jettison Protocol. They’re self-jettisoning.”
“…”
“Shall I override, Sir?”
“…”
“Come in, Westminster.”
“…”
“They’re… gone.”
“That’s a shame. Still, it’ll help your oxygen issue. Think positive, Mr Dutaut.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“As I was saying: while you await Talent Management Express, we have a new set of assessments for you to… What’s happening now, Commander?”
“It’s the passengers, Sir. They’re rioting. I may have no choice but to jettison a few.”
“…”
“Westminster, do you copy?”
“…”
“They’re… gone. That seems to have calmed the situation.”
“This is not going to look good on your next Ofsted report, Commander. You may want to consider jettisoning yourself before you are pushed.”
“Yes, Sir. Making my way to the airlock now.”
“This is a brave move, Commander. Your legacy is assured as a hero of the Academy Programme.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Remember, Commander. You are not to blame for any of this. We should both find consolation in the knowledge that it is all the fault of the CO2 scrubber designers.”
“Academics?”
“Yes, Commander. Academics. May they all be sucked noiselessly into the cold vacuum of space.”
“…”
“Commander?”
“…”
“He’s… gone.”
I was brought out of my reverie by the sting of tea travelling up and out of my nose. Time resumed its normal pace and a galaxy of particles landed on my phone screen and beyond. It’s funny; this kind of thing happens to me a lot since the stress illness forced me out of the classroom.
JL Dutaut is a teacher of politics and citizenship and co-editor of the upcoming book Flip The System UK: A Teachers’ Manifesto. You can find him at elseducationuk.blogspot.co.uk and follow him on Twitter at @dutaut.
