What’s The Right Way To Respond To A Child With SEND Who’s Grieving?
Sarah Helton looks at how schools can support children with SEND through the difficult process of bereavement
- by Sarah Helton
It is often thought that children can ‘bounce back’ from things more easily than adults – this is a myth. All individuals (adults and children) grieve in their own way and in their own time. Assuming that children will quickly bounce back from a bereavement is a very dangerous assumption, as it means that the child’s emotions are unsupported and they are left to cope on their own.
You may wish to protect the child and think that by masking their emotions you are helping them, but by stifling a child’s grief you are ultimately causing further problems. All children, regardless of their developmental level, need to work through their grief in their own way and in their own time. All children will display grief through their behaviours. If children do not have verbal language, and therefore lack words to express their grief, their behaviours may be the only way that they can convey their grief.
Managing change
For children with SEND, their ‘normal world’ is bound in structures and routines, and this becomes even more important during a period of grief. A death will undoubtedly result in some changes, but as far as possible these changes need to be managed slowly and sensitively to avoid extra confusion and distress.
When children are younger (or are at an earlier developmental stage), they are generally happy with basic explanations and definitions of death, but as they get older, they will probably require greater detail and more answers to their questions.
The answering of the child’s questions and concerns and the overall support given to grieving children is not just for the weeks and months following the death, it also needs to be part of the ongoing support and development for the child (and part of the ongoing ethos of a school). Like adults, children will re-grieve at different points in their lives, with episodes being triggered by any number of events, large or small.
A child with SEND will find it hard to understand what death really means, especially the fact that it is forever. They may have no understanding of the finality and permanence of death. If they have not developed this awareness, they will often long for things to return to the way they were. For some children, a full understanding of the conclusiveness of death may never be achieved, but this does not mean that we should leave them in a state of confusion with their bereavement. Instead, we need to keep explaining to them what has happened and why they are feeling the way they feel.
Explanations need to be basic, real and practical, with a very visual element. Do not rely on words.
Safe spaces
Some grieving children may need a bit of time and space alone, which you will need to be able to provide them with at school. This space could be a small room adjoining the classroom, the sensory room, the library, a very large cardboard box with cushions and blankets and so on. No matter how small your school is or how limited the space, there are always ways of creating a ‘safe space’ for the child to have some quiet time. If a child is able to ask to spend some time in this safe space, this shows they are developing good self-regulatory skills.
Remember that while children may request time alone, they always need to be monitored. This can, however, be easily done without disturbing their need for solitude. Children who are non-verbal should also have the means to ask for time in this safe space and this can be done by them pressing a switch (that says ‘quiet time please’ or however you choose to describe this space), by signing, eye pointing to a symbol, reaching for the object of reference and so on.
How to talk to grieving children
Always be open, honest and available. The death of a child’s family member or someone in your school community is no time to be a slave to the timetable. How can a child learn if they are in a state of emotional distress?
Always use the appropriate words and not euphemisms – use the words ‘dead’ and ‘death’, not ‘just sleeping’ and so on. Also, be patient and prepared to explain things over and over again so that the child can process and accept the death. You may have to answer the same questions repeatedly, but by doing so you are providing the pupil with comfort and reassurance.
When you have given the child information about the death, or what will be happening next, regularly check that they have understood what you have told them – but do not repeatedly ask them ‘Do you understand?’ Instead, check their understanding through conversational routes. If, for example, you have told them that the funeral for the deceased person is on Thursday, ask them later on if they remember what is happening on Thursday.
Building resilience
After a loss, children need to regain a sense of safety and stability – how is thisachieved? All of the child’s basic needs must be met first (food, drink, warmth, safety and security). Then, re-establish the child’s routines.
Parents, carers and school staff should have support systems in place for both themselves and the child.
Teach/support emotional regulation skills, such as asking for ‘time out’, using relaxation and breathing techniques. Provide lots of ‘ordinary time’, even though you might think the child needs lots of ‘special time’.
A child’s resilience has a great deal to do with their self-esteem – what they know, what they can do well, what they have and what they can rely on. For children who are grieving, building resilience is especially important. We cannot take away the child’s sadness, but we can help them through the loss by supporting the child to feel better about themselves, by teaching them skills to manage their emotions, worries and uncertainties that the death will have given them.
When talking to children about loss…
Do:
Explain that their feelings are normal
- lReassure them they aren’t the only person feeling this way
- Express that you understand they feel upset/angry/sad/lonely/scared
- Acknowledge comments made by the child using utterances such as ‘Yes’, ‘Right’ and ‘I understand.’
Don’t:
- Interrupt the child when they’re talking about their feelings or experiences
- Repeatedly ask ‘Do you understand?’
- Bombard them with questions
- Make statements such as ‘I know how you feel,’‘Don’t cry’ and ‘Don’t be angry.’
About the author
Sarah Helton is a SEND consultant, having previously worked as a teacher, deputy head, LA education officer and educational publisher. This article is an edited extract taken from her book A Special Kind of Grief, published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. For more information, visit backpocketteacher.co.uk or follow @BackPocketTeach
