How Not to Run a Uniform Policy Meeting about Pupil Haircuts
Tom Starkey takes the minutes from your school's last uniform policy meeting…
- by Tom Starkey
Present:
- GL – (Deputy Vice Principal)
- BN
- RR
- CL
Meeting held in: School. Several miles from my television.
Item 1 – Hair today…
After the (mostly) successful implementation of the new school uniform policy, it has been noted that there has been some ambiguity as what constitutes a ‘suitable’ haircut.
A meeting has been called to iron out the details as if I don’t have owt else to do.
I better not be missing the two-part Emmerdale special that’s on tonight for this I can tell you.
Anyway…
GL stated that he has seen around school examples of haircuts that he would personally deem unsuitable.
Ironic really, seeing as his comb-over needs a right combing over. Examples he gave were ‘too long’, ‘too short’, ‘too tall’ and in Cassandra from 10RR’s attempt at late 70s punk revival, ‘too stabby’.
RR nodded in agreement on this last one. “She almost spiked me when she looked up from the board too quick last period. Lovely colour though.”
BN interjected at this point as to whether the word ‘too’ might be a little difficult to define.
Then suggested creating a template that you could put on the children’s heads and simply go over with a no 2 grade trimmer. No-one was sure if he was being serious or not.
CL suggested that perhaps haircuts were one of the only ways that students could express their creativity given the introduction of tighter uniform rules.
RR argued that creativity is great, but keeping it within confines might be of more use, especially when it came to Tom’s misspelling of his beloved football team that he had self-shaved into the back of his head.
“Actually, come to think about it,” stated RR, “I’ve no idea how he did that himself – I guess that is creative.”
Item 2 – Lethal cuts
GL wondered that perhaps in some extreme cases, hairstyles could constitute a breach of health and safety rules. Cassandra was cited as one example.
GL then proceeded to mention another case study. “What about Devon, for instance? All that hair right down across her face. Surely she can’t see where she’s going?
“Devon’s a boy.” observed RR, helpfully.
“Wait, are you sure?” from GL.
“Pretty much.” said RR. “I’ve been teaching him for three years. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him bump into a wall or anything like that. He’s pretty graceful for a big lad. Wants to play rugby professionally when he’s older.”
“Ah. OK.”
The meeting moved swiftly onto the next item.
Item 3 – Damage limitation
It was put by CL that unless the school wanted every parent with a grudge on the front page of the local newspaper, photographed next to their mad-haired sprog looking miserable, and spouting off against the awful, Victorian, draconian enforcement of the hair policy, then perhaps it would be best to drop it and simply remind kids on an individual basis that maybe a ganja-leaf on the side of the head might not be the best way to promote themselves to the wider world.
GL (no doubt thinking about the bad publicity) eventually agreed.
AOB
NO. EMMERDALE.
Meeting adjourned
Actually, now I think about it, a quick trip to the salon before telly might be an idea.
Tom Starkey is a teacher and writer who blogs at stackofmarking.wordpress.com. Follow him on Twitter at @tstarkey1212.
