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12 Things you Learn Directing a Primary School Play

There's not much you can do about old adage 'Never work with children and animals' when you're in charge of the school's latest production, so here are a dozen things you're sure to learn the hard way...

  • 12 Things you Learn Directing a Primary School Play

1 | When casting the main parts it isn’t possible to please everyone; it is, however, very possible to upset everyone


2 | The jokes you put in for the mums and dads go down like a fart in the headteacher’s office when you do your dress rehearsal for the rest of the school


3 | Directing the show while sitting cross-legged on the floor – like a Jedi. Standing up afterwards when both legs have gone to sleep – like a new-born giraffe


4 | Telepathically catching the head’s eye at the end of the show to let them know it’s their time to thank everyone


5 | The rhythm of each scene is mumble – mumble – mumble – STAGE SCHOOL – mumble – mumble


6 | No performance is ever as bad as the rehearsal makes you think it’s going to be


7 | Having one character who is hard of hearing and needs everything repeated is a godsend for padding out the number of lines


8 | There’s always one child who has all their lines at the end of the play and never gets to practise them in rehearsal


9 | They say “never work with children and animals” without ever mentioning that they are one and the same thing…


10 | In the event of a nuclear apocalypse, the only things to survive will be cockroaches and that one song which is still stuck in your head


11 | When in doubt, there’s always one child who will just keep repeating the same line – and that child is always full of doubt


12 | It’s important that the children don’t witness the dignity and good humour with which their parents compete to get the best seats

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