The Importance of Saying ‘No’
It’s all very well being a ‘team player’, says Tom Starkey – but at some point, every teacher who wants to stay sane has to learn how to say ‘No’… I don’t know about you, but when I started teaching I was the most winsomely accommodating bloke you might ever come across. I was so […]
- by Tom Starkey
It’s all very well being a ‘team player’, says Tom Starkey – but at some point, every teacher who wants to stay sane has to learn how to say ‘No’…
I don’t know about you, but when I started teaching I was the most winsomely accommodating bloke you might ever come across. I was so grateful to have a job in a school, to actually be in the game that I would do absolutely anything to please.
If you needed someone to run a lunchtime club, I was your man. Training on using internet resources? I was there at the speed of a dial-up connection. I would trial new marking systems, set up Gifted and Talented cohorts, coach the basketball team, ride along with the pastoral staff because they needed a male member of staff for a home visit, sort the sound system out for the awards evening and even tidy the chairs up afterwards.
And then, one Tuesday…
Above and beyond the usual
Precedents were set early on. I was a do-er. If you wanted it done, I was the one to get it done. In or out of school hours, because I was young and dynamic – and worried as anything about getting canned. Though to be fair, I really enjoyed doing those extra bits and bobs.
Things started well enough, with a little bit of recognition for my efforts. I was a ‘good worker’, a ‘team player’ and other such platitudes. I didn’t mind – doing that stuff gave me a sense of fulfillment and I felt part of the wider school community. So I had to give up a bit of time, maybe put things at home to one side while I got the extra bits and bobs done at work. It wasn’t really a problem.
But as time went on, that changed.
What had been value-added extras, done for the smooth-running of the school out of goodwill, seemed to become a little more… expected. I started to find myself on rotas that I hadn’t signed up for. Included in the actions for meetings that I wasn’t even aware of – and these weren’t run-of-the-mill, everyday duties either. This stuff was way above and beyond the usual.
But did I say anything? No, of course I didn’t – it wasn’t done. I was in no position. I was still fairly new, and critically, there was something that I hadn’t yet managed to figure out about my professional role. So I took stuff on. Stuff that meant that I was giving up even more time, stuff that kept me from home of an evening. ‘Helping out’ had turned into just another part of my duties. And in doing so, any joy and fulfillment was gone, to be replaced with a numbness, or at times even resentment.
You’re not a monster
What I hadn’t realised by that point (bless, I was so wide-eyed and shiny it was annoying) was my own worth. I was so keen to please, and so scared of doing something that’d lead me to being out on my ear, that I hadn’t grasped a central conceit that can often elude us in a profession where self-sacrifice is normalised:
We should be valued – and we’re allowed to say ‘no’.
I’m a little different now from how I was back then. I’ve got a bit more of a swagger, and if I don’t feel like I’ll be able to fit something in, I say I can’t do it – for the simple reason that I can’t. Whether that makes me less of a ‘good worker’ or ‘team player’…well, it doesn’t concern me as much as it did.
Fear is a funny thing. It can sometimes make you go against your own self-interest. Although this job is a toughie, and the pressure is real, I don’t automatically think that we need to do this. In fact, I’ve got a suspicion that it’s a narrative used in a lot of places to take advantage of our good nature.
You’re not a monster for wanting to keep something for yourself, for wanting to get back home at a decent hour or for refusing to do something that’s obviously detrimental. Value what you do, work your guts out – but at the same time, value yourself. ‘No’ isn’t a dirty word. You can use it.
That said, if you ever get a chance to coach a basketball team, say ‘yes’. It’s the best thing in the world.
Thanks for listening.
Tom Starkey is a teacher in an FE college in the north of England; he blogs at stackofmarking.word press.com and tweets as @tstarkey1212
