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PrimaryHealth & Wellbeing

Helping Children Develop Relationships with Peers Should be Seen as an Aim of Education, Not Merely a By-Product

“Friendship impacts hugely on cognitive learning and should be taken seriously”

Chris Higgins
by Chris Higgins
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“Why do you like coming to school?” I ask that question a lot when I go round primary schools doing book events. Overwhelmingly I get the same answer. “I like seeing my friends,” says a child, randomly selected from a forest of waving hands.

“What?” Mock horror. “Are you sure? I thought it was because you loved doing maths.” “No!” giggles the child. “Reading and writing?” “No!” others join in. “School dinners?” “Nooooooo!” By now everyone has leapt unanimously on the bandwagon to put this clueless author straight.

Now, to an extent, these children are telling porkies. Some kids actually do like maths, most like reading, lots like writing and, lo and behold, to my eternal surprise, nearly everyone nowadays loves school dinners. (I can’t get past memories of cheese pie, rice pudding and milk warming by the radiator. Yuk!)

But everybody knows that the real reason kids want to come to school every day is because they get to see their friends. Who can remember the excitement of running in to school to meet your best friend every morning in the certain knowledge that they were just as delighted to see you?

And, of course, friendship facilitates learning. As we all know, when children are happy, safe and relaxed in a shared learning situation they absorb and process information and ideas far more efficiently. Happy kids learn well. Sorted.

But what about the child who doesn’t have any friends? Let me ask you to stand in the shoes of a grown-up version of that child. Imagine if that child was you.

Every day you come to work, dreading it. You’d rather not come, but you have no choice. When you enter the staffroom, no one says hello. You go to sit down in an empty chair but someone says, “So-and-so is sitting there,” so you move to another. The same thing happens. Everyone is talking to somebody except you.

You try to join in a conversation but you’re ignored. Someone gives out party invitations but not to you. There’s a staff briefing but no one listens to what you have to say. You can’t wait for work to begin but already you’re doubting yourself.

At break time you make another supreme effort to forge a connection with your peers but as usual it fails. Back in the classroom, you are losing confidence.

Things get worse. Lunchtime is a nightmare. You eat on your own and listen to the fun and laughter going on around you and feel more and more isolated. Someone tells you to cheer up in passing. You feel embarrassed and go to seek refuge in your classroom but you’re not allowed in at lunchtime.

Ironically, even though all you want is someone to talk to, you find yourself walking round and round the school building with your head down, trying to be invisible, counting the minutes until you can go back inside.

By the time you are back in front of your class you have lost all belief in yourself and relinquished control. Your headteacher, walking past, notices your unruly class, tells them off and asks to see you in his office after school.

He says you must try harder. It’s obvious you’re a disappointment to him. Back in the staffroom all goes quiet when you walk in. People begin to depart to their busy family or social lives, sharing lifts, plans for the evening, promises to meet up. Nobody says goodbye to you.

Tomorrow will be the same. Or worse.

I know! Grim isn’t it? And that’s an adult struggling to cope. But the truth is that’s what some children go through every day of their lives, through no fault of their own.

Isolated by social or academic problems, or both, they battle on alone through their day and we wonder why they don’t learn effectively when the truth is, they just need a friend.

I had a taste of this when I was a child. I moved house and started a new school at the age of nine. Until then I’d got on famously, an eager little girl who wanted to please; happy and secure in the classroom with my beloved teacher and my familiar bunch of friends.

Suddenly, thrust into a different school with a different playground, teacher and classmates, I discovered it was actually me that was different.

No, it was worse than that: it was me that was wrong. Wrong accent (my new classmates laughed at the way I spoke), wrong stage of maths (what are decimals? I was on fractions at my last school), wrong uniform (I wore a hand-knitted cardigan, not a shop-bought one), wrong rules (put your hand up to answer a question, Christine; don’t leave your seat without the teacher’s permission; that bell is for me, not for you).

I couldn’t think straight and for the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to be labelled as thick or naughty.

And then, amid all the confusion, I discovered another girl in my class who wore a hand-knitted cardigan. Snap! A kindred spirit at last. We bonded over a cardigan and she took me under her wing.

Before long, following her lead, I found myself absorbed into the community of the classroom and having fun at school again. We’re still friends to this day.

I was lucky. But I’ve never forgotten what it felt like to be isolated. In fact, I’ve written about this in my new series. Eight-year-old Bella moves house and is befriended by the redoubtable Magda who steers her through the minefield of her new school, creating a few explosions of her own on the way.

All children have to learn to adapt to formal education. Some find it easier than others. Without doubt, peer influence is enormously important in helping children adjust to the school environment.

Children with academic, social and medical problems have lots to learn from their more privileged companions who, in turn, have lots to learn from them.

Teachers need to provide opportunities within the classroom for children to create and maintain mutual liking and respect for each other. Interaction through collaborative learning, shared interests, support and buddy systems improves social skills and emotional development.

I think it’s essential that friendship should be seen as an aim of education, not merely a by-product. Friendship impacts hugely on cognitive learning and should be taken seriously.

Chris Higgins is the author of Trouble At School (£4.99, Bloomsbury). Browse resources for International Friendship Day.

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